What I was Feeling Right before I Committed Suicide

            God was testing me, I now realize. As I looked down upon the body of Gatsby, I felt no great relief. I felt betrayed, both by my God and by my spouse. I felt anger, I felt pain, and I felt everything in a great raging swathe of emotion. Before I killed him, I was numb. I had been overwhelmed by everything that had occurred. I had focused on one objective, which was to kill the man who Myrtle had been unfaithful with. This man was to die, because I believed God was telling me to kill him, to take my revenge. Oh, how wrong I was. After I killed Gatsby, my emotions came back. I could feel no relief, only grief. Why did I feel no sense of divine righteousness? Then I realized that the Eyes of God were not telling me to kill a man, they were telling me that he was watching. He was testing me, to see if I could endure yet another test. I felt betrayed. Why would God place this undue burden upon me? Why did my wife leave me for a strange man, who lay in a pool dead by my hand? Why did I kill a man when deep down I knew that God never wants us to kill? I felt overwhelmed with emotions and questions. So many questions, so many feelings. I had to stop them. I had to. They hurt me too much.